Once Lost, Now Found
It's no secret that I can't sleep at night. Don't know why that is, it just is. So I read or write or work, usually with talk radio or TV as white noise in the background. It was basically a happy accident that one night a few years ago I discovered the greatest program in the history of television.
It ran for a while on KCAL-9, weeknights at 3:00am. It was a paid program, an infomercial, but they ran a new show every night, always starting the same way--a balding white guy with an unplaceable accent sits behind a surprisingly professional news desk and welcomes us to the show. He tells us how happy he is that we're watching, but he knows something is wrong. He says that, sure, everybody has problems--and maybe you don't think yours are that bad--but it's 3:00 in the morning and you're up watching an infomercial. Maybe your problems are more serious than you think. And then he kindly suggests that you may be possessed by demons. Cut to the video of the screaming, writhing, puking members of his congregation.
I loved this show.
What I loved most about it wasn't the exorcism videos, which are great but get old quickly. Like all preachers, it's the patter that's the prime draw. I loved the preacher's absolutely pragmatic pessimism. If you’re watching me, pal, you’ve fucked up somewhere. And, since you’re up and in obvious pain anyway, maybe I can sell you on the whole demonic possession thing. What a salesman.
Anyway, it was on for a while, and then it wasn't. I missed it. And eventually, it just became a fun thing to talk about with people.
But it's back now. Not on KCAL-9. It's on KDOC, a low-power UHF station that shows nothing but grainy reruns of "Magnum PI" and "The Rockford Files." It isn't on as late as it used to be (12:30am) and I don't know if the good reverend still has his hypnotic empathy working, but I can't wait.
"Real Answers" is back, baby.
It ran for a while on KCAL-9, weeknights at 3:00am. It was a paid program, an infomercial, but they ran a new show every night, always starting the same way--a balding white guy with an unplaceable accent sits behind a surprisingly professional news desk and welcomes us to the show. He tells us how happy he is that we're watching, but he knows something is wrong. He says that, sure, everybody has problems--and maybe you don't think yours are that bad--but it's 3:00 in the morning and you're up watching an infomercial. Maybe your problems are more serious than you think. And then he kindly suggests that you may be possessed by demons. Cut to the video of the screaming, writhing, puking members of his congregation.
I loved this show.
What I loved most about it wasn't the exorcism videos, which are great but get old quickly. Like all preachers, it's the patter that's the prime draw. I loved the preacher's absolutely pragmatic pessimism. If you’re watching me, pal, you’ve fucked up somewhere. And, since you’re up and in obvious pain anyway, maybe I can sell you on the whole demonic possession thing. What a salesman.
Anyway, it was on for a while, and then it wasn't. I missed it. And eventually, it just became a fun thing to talk about with people.
But it's back now. Not on KCAL-9. It's on KDOC, a low-power UHF station that shows nothing but grainy reruns of "Magnum PI" and "The Rockford Files." It isn't on as late as it used to be (12:30am) and I don't know if the good reverend still has his hypnotic empathy working, but I can't wait.
"Real Answers" is back, baby.
posted by Matthew at 5:42 PM
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