A Simple Desultory Philippic (Or How I Was Damon Lindelof'd Into Submission)
My friend D called me last night at 10:03. I know that it was 10:03 because "Lost" ran 62 minutes.
"Lost" is an incredibly irritating show, enough so that I had to stop watching for the first part of this season, but I'm back now. I'm back and I'm pissed. Here's why.
There are three questions I want to know the answers to:
1. Was the plane crash intentional? In other words, was it brought to the island?
2. Where is this island they're on?
3. What, if anything, do the numbers mean?
These are the questions that the show will not answer until the final shows of the last season. That is why there's no point in watching. The Hanso Foundation, the constant intertwining of everyone's stories, the Others...these are all part of these three questions that can't be answered. I avoided "Alias" and "The X-Files" because I didn't want to be a chump. Now I'm a chump, and so are you.
Want proof? Here's a quote from an interview in TV Guide. It's from Damon Lindelof and Carleton Cuse, the two guys responsible for steering the good ship "Lost" in circles:
They're stringing us along. Not for weeks, for years. Chumps.
Frankly, I'm convinced that they have no idea yet what the answers to the Big 3 questions are. There's no plan because that way, there's no danger of accidentally giving away too much information.
To save you some time, I'll be happy to tell you the future. Please make a note of this so that when I turn out to be correct, you can visit my grave and pour a little Guinness over it and say, "Matthew, you were right about 'Lost.'" Here you go:
When the show's ratings decline in three or four years, after numerous cast changes that were all "part of the plan," they'll have a season where they're not sure if the show is coming back. They'll start hinting that the final answers will be coming. Major Revelations will be unleashed. Then the show's renewal will come through, and the Major Revelations of Season 6 will be meaningless.
Season 7, the show's last, will limp along. They'll burn off the final shows during the summer, answer all three questions in an enormously unsatisfying fashion, and walk off into the sunset. Everyone will ask, "What the Fuck?" The Associated Press will run an article about the "disappointed legions of dedicated fans." The showrunner, who will NOT be Lindelof or Cuse, will be quoted as saying that "this has all been in the works since day one."
There you go. I just saved you five years of frustration. And if you say you're one of those people who only loves the show because "It's about the characters!"? Well, fuck you. You're lying.
Anyway, about last night's show. Ana Lucia is dead. (Of course, it had nothing to do with Michelle Rodriguez's DUIs and jail time. It was--say it with me now--all part of the plan.) Libby is gravely injured, gravely enough to make what CBS is referring to as a "guest appearance" in another TV pilot. Sure. Michael has shot himself in the arm.
The following is conjecture, as opposed to what I gave you earlier, the absolutely certain future:
It's pretty clear that in return for Walt (or Walt's safety), Michael was coerced into shooting Ana Lucia (payback for icing the Other months ago) and freeing Henry. He'll then try to rouse the castaways into getting all their guns together and making a suicide run at the Others' facility. That facility will be the big "?" in the middle of the psychedelic day-glo map that broke Locke's leg. It broke Locke's leg not because the numbers hadn't been entered into the computer, but because the doors were designed to close during supply drops--to prevent Desmond the Former Lab Rat from seeing the plane that drops the supplies.
We'll see Desmond again, right before our intrepid heroes are about to go into combat to take on the Others. He'll come back to say he has HUGE news about the Hanso Foundation, right before the screen goes black. End of Season Two.
See you in the fall, Chumps.
"Lost" is an incredibly irritating show, enough so that I had to stop watching for the first part of this season, but I'm back now. I'm back and I'm pissed. Here's why.
There are three questions I want to know the answers to:
1. Was the plane crash intentional? In other words, was it brought to the island?
2. Where is this island they're on?
3. What, if anything, do the numbers mean?
These are the questions that the show will not answer until the final shows of the last season. That is why there's no point in watching. The Hanso Foundation, the constant intertwining of everyone's stories, the Others...these are all part of these three questions that can't be answered. I avoided "Alias" and "The X-Files" because I didn't want to be a chump. Now I'm a chump, and so are you.
Want proof? Here's a quote from an interview in TV Guide. It's from Damon Lindelof and Carleton Cuse, the two guys responsible for steering the good ship "Lost" in circles:
Ausiello: Will we ever get a Rousseau flashback?
Damon: You can expect to see more of Rousseau next year, but the story of the wrecked research vessel... it will be coming at some point but we can't guarantee it'll be in Season 3.
They're stringing us along. Not for weeks, for years. Chumps.
Frankly, I'm convinced that they have no idea yet what the answers to the Big 3 questions are. There's no plan because that way, there's no danger of accidentally giving away too much information.
To save you some time, I'll be happy to tell you the future. Please make a note of this so that when I turn out to be correct, you can visit my grave and pour a little Guinness over it and say, "Matthew, you were right about 'Lost.'" Here you go:
When the show's ratings decline in three or four years, after numerous cast changes that were all "part of the plan," they'll have a season where they're not sure if the show is coming back. They'll start hinting that the final answers will be coming. Major Revelations will be unleashed. Then the show's renewal will come through, and the Major Revelations of Season 6 will be meaningless.
Season 7, the show's last, will limp along. They'll burn off the final shows during the summer, answer all three questions in an enormously unsatisfying fashion, and walk off into the sunset. Everyone will ask, "What the Fuck?" The Associated Press will run an article about the "disappointed legions of dedicated fans." The showrunner, who will NOT be Lindelof or Cuse, will be quoted as saying that "this has all been in the works since day one."
There you go. I just saved you five years of frustration. And if you say you're one of those people who only loves the show because "It's about the characters!"? Well, fuck you. You're lying.
Anyway, about last night's show. Ana Lucia is dead. (Of course, it had nothing to do with Michelle Rodriguez's DUIs and jail time. It was--say it with me now--all part of the plan.) Libby is gravely injured, gravely enough to make what CBS is referring to as a "guest appearance" in another TV pilot. Sure. Michael has shot himself in the arm.
The following is conjecture, as opposed to what I gave you earlier, the absolutely certain future:
It's pretty clear that in return for Walt (or Walt's safety), Michael was coerced into shooting Ana Lucia (payback for icing the Other months ago) and freeing Henry. He'll then try to rouse the castaways into getting all their guns together and making a suicide run at the Others' facility. That facility will be the big "?" in the middle of the psychedelic day-glo map that broke Locke's leg. It broke Locke's leg not because the numbers hadn't been entered into the computer, but because the doors were designed to close during supply drops--to prevent Desmond the Former Lab Rat from seeing the plane that drops the supplies.
We'll see Desmond again, right before our intrepid heroes are about to go into combat to take on the Others. He'll come back to say he has HUGE news about the Hanso Foundation, right before the screen goes black. End of Season Two.
See you in the fall, Chumps.
posted by Matthew at 4:58 PM
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