A New Deal

According to the Texas Transportation Institute, there are over 6 million drivers on LA County roads on any given day. That includes your commuters, your errand-runners, your commercial vehicles--the whole shmear.

This morning I had a chance to observe several hundred of them on my way to work and based on this representative sample, I can assure you that every single one of these drivers is talking on a fucking cell phone. Right this second. 100% of them, without exception.

No one is using a headset, because that would defeat the purpose of having to take at least one hand off the wheel. Or they're not using their hands at all--they have their tiny phone crammed into the smallest wedge they can possibly make between their chin and their shoulder. It's like having 6 million people out there playing Twister in a 30mph obstacle course.

And these are the good drivers. The rest are applying makeup without waiting for stop lights, or reading the newspaper, or smoking and tossing their butts out the window onto someone else's hood. Or some combination of all of these.

The bottom line is that as time goes on, I become more and more convinced that no one should be allowed to drive except me.

So, in that spirit, I hereby claim the roads of Los Angeles County as my own. They belong to me now. I've privatized them as part of a unique, reverse eminent domain. It's clear that the public cannot be trusted with this resource, so I'm taking it away from them until such time as they prove to me that they can use it wisely.

I know, I know. You're the exception. You don't do any of this stuff. You drive aggresively but attentively, you don't dawdle with open road in front of you, and you signal appropriately but not obsessively.

Good for you--you're welcome to send me your application to drive on my roads. I will evaluate each one on a case-by-case basis before handing out new licenses. I promise you that I will be strict, with no promise of being fair.

You'll notice a few changes to the driver's test. For example, the parallel parking test will be timed--with a gun to your head. You get fifteen seconds blocking a lane of traffic to park. That's it.

Also, you will be clocked to see how long it takes after the light in front of you turns green for you to put your foot on the accelerator. 1.5 seconds. Any more than that? Say hello to my little friend.

One last change--the maximum amount of time to make a left turn is now NOW. Any slower than NOW, you lose points. And your head.

This is just the test. Of course, many new traffic violations will also carry the death penalty, but those are still being worked out.

I understand that this may be a difficult adjustment for many of you, but you really brought it on yourselves by being such incredibly bad drivers. Plus, it's much better for the environment to have you off the streets. The air will be so much cleaner, and won't you appreciate that every morning when you walk to work?

Besides, I've made one important concession to all you new pedestrians--jaywalking is now completely, beautifully legal. Mandatory, in fact. Just watch out for that one driver left out there on the roads--he's a fucking maniac.